Adoption

Brandon and I are excited that our adoption profile is up and going.  We are so thankful to everyone that has been so supportive in this adventure.  We hope that you will share our link with everyone you know! 

 https://www.itsaboutlove.org/ial/profiles/23312083/ourMessage.jsf

Thanks

My Cancer Story

Life never quite stays the same for long; I found this fact to be true yet again, on July 16, 2009. I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. I can truly say that I was only slightly shocked when the tests confirmed it. I had suspected it due to an ultrasound I had earlier that week. You know working in a doctor's office has its downfalls. You learn things you wish you hadn’t.

When I received the phone call from my doctor, who was very kind and willing to give me the rest of his day for questions and support, I knew that I had to have help from my Heavenly Father. I immediately went to my knees. I started to share my fears with him and while I was voicing concerns at the shock that was just given, I had an overwhelming calm come to me, I then knew that what I really should be praying for was the strength and courage I would need to face this next hurdle that had been placed before me. After I finished praying I called my husband, he happened to be out of town. After I spoke with him I just started back into my day. Trying to be strong and not think about it.

I was in charge of t-shirts for youth conference and needed to get them to the church. On the way to the church I called and talked with my parents. I told them that the ultrasound did indeed confirm that I had cancer. They were both very supportive and kept calm, which really helped since I was driving. My father gave me a wonderful piece of advice that helped calm my heart and soul he said, “As long as you are in the driver’s seat you can make it through anything”. How true these words would come to be. After arriving at the church I called my doctor who happened to be a member of my faith, I asked for a priesthood blessing. He offered a wonderful blessing assuring me that the Lord loved me and was aware of my situation and circumstance in life. Through him, the Lord was able to reassure me that I would be ok, the road that I was about to travel would be hard that I would have questions and concerns and that there would be things that would cause me to fear but I would be ok. My journey through life was not yet finished. From there things just started to happen.

After it really sunk in that I did indeed have cancer my mind started to whirl in all sorts of directions. I started having all kinds of questions. Ok, so what is going to happen? Who can I talk to? How is this going to affect my life? What is this going to do to my relationship with my husband? Then all of a sudden it was more than just questions. I was on a mission to answer them. All at once I found myself searching for more information. I called a friend I knew that was going through cancer. She would say, you need to do this, you need to do that and I would do it. Not long after I found out, things began to happen. It was a little overwhelming. I was seeing doctors right and left. I started to feel like a human pin cushion. They ran test after test to see what stage and grade of cancer I had. It was during this time that I learned that I didn’t have a death sentence, answering one of the fears that I had.

I remember sitting in the doctor’s office and having the doctor ask me if I wanted to have the lumps removed or if I wanted them to cut my breast off instead. What kind of question is that? How are you suppose to answer that? I know that at that point my mind went somewhere else and it was my husband that started listening for both of us. During the weeks leading up to my decision to have a mastectomy my mind was filled with a million questions but some how I found my self at peace even though there were tough decisions to be made. I knew that no matter what decision I made that the Lord would be there to help me through it. I had several discussions with my family members and friends that I had told. They all helped ease my mind and help answer questions. The only question that kept coming back to me was; I am going to look like a freak? The other thoughts that came to mind were, Why me? Is Brandon going to love me differently? Will I feel like me? It was SCARY! It was TOUGH! and it truly SUCKED!!! No one wants to have to make the decision of whether to have their breast removed or not. After my decision was made I felt at peace and knew that I would be ok; and that no matter what, I could make it through anything. I knew that things would be hard and that it wouldn't be easy, but I have been given a purpose here on the earth and it is not yet fullfilled.

After things were in motion I started to feel like I was floating on a cloud. I scheduled my surgery and started all of the preparations for that. I was so grateful that my parents were able to come and be here with me for that. I was sitting in the living room with my mom the night before my surgery and I remember asking her, why me again? I have been through so much already. Why can’t someone else have the hard trial? She told me, “You know that is not how the Lord works and he is here holding both of us, he knows you are scared, he loves you, he doesn’t want you to have to go through this, but you are and he is carrying you”. I knew she was right. The next morning while I was waiting to go into the operating room I once again asked for reassurance from Brandon and my parents that I would be ok. It took a little convincing again. But I knew they were right when they told me everything would be ok. We had one last prayer and they took me into surgery. After surgery was all over I felt at peace. I knew I was going to be ok. It is funny though; I thought that I would hurt a lot more than I did. Boy drugs now days are awesome.

I came home from the hospital the next day and the healing process began. It was a little easier than I thought it was going to be. I was able to eat, sleep and really rest. I had so many friends come and wish me well. They pampered me and I was amazed at the outpouring of charity that I received. When it came time for my parents to go back home I was so sad, my mom had been my right arm, literally. I didn’t know if I was going to make it. She had been helping me get dressed for the last two weeks. Brandon reassured me that he knew how to button a shirt and put on socks. He was right! He was so kind and patient with me during those first few days. I truly am blessed to have him as my husband. For the next few weeks I concentrated on taking care of me and getting better. It was during this time that I went to get fitted for my prosthesis. I was really nervous about it and asked my best friend to come with Brandon and me so that I could have a women’s point of view. She helped make that day light and fun instead of dreadful and daunting. I also was given instructions of how to take care of my arm and how I could regain some of the strength in my arm. Brandon and I visited the Cancer Society in Anchorage and attended the Look Better Feel Better class. What an amazing opportunity this was. They answered some of the questions I was having. I was very nervous about loosing my hair. I didn’t want to loose my hair, I was known for and by my red hair. During these classes, I learned how to take care of my skin and how to enhance the beauty I had. They told us, that being bald was going to be an experience for growth. I would have to learn to use courage and strength and that no matter what I was still going to be beautiful.

It had been about a three weeks since my surgery and I was getting anxious staying at home. I wanted to travel. I was blessed to be able to travel at this time. I was so excited that I left to as soon as possible to spend time with my family. While I was in Utah I went to my niece Alli's wedding, it was AWESOME!!! I also went to a family reunion. The part of the vacation that probably was the most exciting and helpful for me was the surprise party that my sisters put on for me. They invited all of my family and friends to my parents home, where they gave me a “Hat”itude party.
It was to help prepare me for chemo and loosing my hair. The decorations and food that was prepared were all pink and everyone was instructed to wear hats and to bring me a hat or scarf I could wear during my chemo treatments. I couldn't have asked for a better break right before my chemo treatments started. I felt such and amazing love from all of these women, and of course by the rest of my family members.  Shortly before my chemo treatments were to start they performed another surgery to install what is called a port into my chest. This would allow easier access for my infusions. It was a little nerve racking having to have another surgery. It went off with out any problems. The days leading up to my first chemo treatment seemed to fly right by. Before I knew it the day was here.

September 14, 2009 started the next part of my cancer journey. Treatment day was here. I was scheduled to have 8 sessions of chemo; I would go in every other Monday and receive my treatments. The treatments that were going to be given to me are referred to as duo dense. They pretty much gave me rat poision during each treatment and then tried to make me better again with a shot the next day. The wonderful nurses at the treatment center made me feel calm. They talked me through everything that was going to happen. I was on the next stretch of my journey and they were going to be there right beside me. I would go in every other week and set in a very comfortable chair and received my treatments. I would be able to talk with Brandon, friends, watch TV, talk with other patients or sleep. When I had received all that was needed I would then go home.   After my 2nd treatment I noticed that my hair was starting to come out more and more. It was very disheartening to discover that the one thing I really wasn't looking forward to was starting to happen. I knew it normally came between the 2nd and 3rd treatment session, I was hoping that my case would wait until the 3rd but apparently it had a different idea. I had mixed emotions during this week about what was happening. At first I thought I could handle the fact that every time I put my fingers in my hair that I would pull 30-50 strands of hair out but by Wednesday that week I was starting to really become very upset about it. I tried to get Brandon and his mom Ann to shave my head for me that night but they talked me into waiting just a few more days stating that it still looked ok. But Thursday brought even more hair into my brush and fingers and it was starting to be more than I could handle. I had been given a name of a fellow cancer survivor who had a hair salon that was willing to help those of us battling cancer as she did.

Betty, the salon owner, was amazing! She was so positive and upbeat about what it was I was there for. So I did it, I had my head shaved! She talked me through everything, and she shared her story with Brandon and me as she proceeded to shave me. She even let me shave a few strips. Doing so was actually was very liberating. She helped me find and shape wigs that fit me and my personality. She also helped me see that wearing a wig could be fun. That “Bald is beautiful!” She truly made the part that I was dreading, not so scary and faceable. After all it was only hair and; It Is What It Is. She truly was an angel in a world of despair. She did this all at no charge to me. She is an awesome cancer survivor that gives back very liberally. I hope that I can follow in her foot steps.

During chemo I was pretty tired week after week and I truly felt like I had been hit by a freight train. I had heard it said that it got worse each time. I found that this was pretty true. When friends and family would ask how I was I would say I am fine. They use to say how sorry they were and I would say “It Is What It Is”. I didn’t really want to let them all in. On the outside where everyone could see me I needed to be fine. I didn’t want to share what was going on inside. Inside where no one could see; I was a mess. I was becoming mad at the fact that I was going through this. Why was it always me in the trial? I thought everyone else was having it easy. I didn’t want to share that side with everyone. I shared it only with Brandon, I knew he would just listen and then reassure me it was ok to feel like that. I didn’t realize however that the drugs were also agitating me. I had started hurting the ones that I loved. I couldn’t see that I was changing not only physically but emotionally and mentally as well. With treatments # 5 and #6 I was given a drug they call taxol. That is exactly what it was; “taxing”. It was whipping most of my energy out of me. During this time I started experiencing what they call peripheral neuropathy. It made some tasks very hard, not undoable but very hard. It was like is having dead weight; or a better way to describe it would probably be having your feet and hands fall asleep, and not being able to wake them up. You end up having to use them like that anyway. I also had a continuous ache throughout my lower legs that felt like I had just ran a marathon and couldn't seem to get them to function. For the most part I was able to get along with lots of patience from Brandon and his mom. I was still able to do most everything for myself. When Thanksgiving came around, things got worse. I woke up in the middle of the night with excruciating pain. I was unable to walk on my own. I was terrified that this would be permanent. I was embarrassed that I needed help to do some of the simplest things. After knowing that I was going to be ok, I found my self praying for patience as well as for those around me to have patience with me. It was truly a humbling experience knowing that I had to rely on others for help. When my chemo treatments were all done I had a party!

After chemo was done for me; my next step was radiation. This, I was not looking forward to. I am very fair skinned and knew that I would probably burn quickly. I went to the radiologists and she informed me that I had to have 33 treatments. So the next journey began. I would go in everyday and have my session of radiation. The first 10 sessions came and went without any problems. When I started getting ready on day 11 I noticed that I was very sore and that my skin was very tight. This only proved to be the start of a very bad day. When I got to radiation the doctor informed me that I would have to take a break. My skin was not doing well. I was not happy! This would be the first of 3 breaks I had to take. I would go through a few days of rest and then another few sessions and then another break. March 13, 2010 was a “graduation” if you will. My last session of radiation! I was finished, no more appointments everyday. What a true relief, I had done everything that was necessary for me as a cancer patient. Shortly after I was finished with all of my treatments I received a letter in the mail stating that I had completed all of the treatments and that I was cancer free.

I am truly grateful for the miracle of medicine. I am so grateful that they are able to detect and treat cancer in the early stages. I know that I have been watched over and protected during this journey. As I start the next part of my journey, reconstruction; I am amazed at the love and support that I have received from those that have just heard about my situation. I have come in contact with so many women that have gone through what I went through and still have yet gone through. We have been able to share our experiences. We have been able to help support one another. The one thing that I have been able to realize about the whole process is that no matter how you try to live, cancer is not something that needs to be feared. If the “C” word makes an appearance, it doesn’t have to be a death sentence.   I only share my story so that others might find strength if needed and education for those that help to provide strength and courage to others. We have technology today that helps us know things far in advance if we are in need of help. Please do not put off a mammogram, it could save your life. Please remember that Cancer is survivable, as long as you are in the driver’s seat and you are in control, you have nothing to fear. After all, “It Is What It Is!”